Challenges

Over the last two years.we have been having crazy challenges and blessings. Shortly after my last post Rob got worse, whether this is from being surround by thousands of people on campus or a progression of his PTSD is still up for debate.  The more Aaron was at school the more short tempered and irritable he became with everyone around him. During this time I started working 2 jobs and he was staying home with the kids. However a few short months later after discovering I was pregnant yet again, I had to quit both jobs or risk our baby's life.  After a particular emotional day with Rob becoming more and more belligerent and hostile and the day went on I pack up myself and the kids and left without a word. After 24 hours we came back to see if he had calmed down, lucky for us he had. This seemed to get through to him that he was not getting better as he maintained but in fact he was worse. We repeated went to the VA to speak with his psychiatrist and after a few visits I discovered Rob was holding back on how bad it really was. I sent the doctor a letter telling exactly how bad it was and how on his bad nights I was terrified to be in the same room with him and so were our kids. I was told that I now had to be at every mental health appointment so that his doctor got all the information. He immediate placed him on an additional  medication to help balance him out better. I quickly became aware however that unless I gave him his medication he would forget to take it. While this is going on we welcomed our beautiful baby girl K. Rob and K have a special bond, she loves to spend as much time with him as she can get and Rob will do anything and everything to keep her happy. She has a special smile that she reserves for him and him alone.I can see the man I married when he spends time with her, something that is very rare theses days. Our boys A & P are the best brothers even though they are too rough sometimes. I took a semester off from school to recover from childbirth and to spend time with our daughter something that I missed with P. I was soon diagnosed with moderate to severe postpartum depression and was placed on medication to help me. Rob was back at school and everyday he became more and more anxious and irritable, Rob's back got so bad from sitting on hard seats everyday, that he was overdosing on pain medication just to get through the day. Finally he was taking narcotics because the NSAID's were just not even touching the pain. He was stoned constantly but if you saw or spoke with him you would never know.  Rob was getting shots in his back to help with the pressure but soon he was maxing out the dosage and the frequency of the shots and they were wearing off within a week or two instead of lasting for a few months.  Luckily we were able to meet with a new neurosurgeon and he immediately recommend surgery to release some of the pressure that Rob was feeling in his back so he could have a few more years if not pain free then at least less pain. Once the semester was over Rob decided that he wanted go through with the surgery and take a long break from school. I went back to school and he stayed home with K while the boys went to preschool. The surgery was very rough on Rob he was not used to having to admit he was hurting or that he could not do something without help. He took a huge blow to his pride because he could no longer help with the kids, chores or cooking. He had a horrible 2 weeks after coming home while he was healing up but once he got past the worse part of the pain and soreness he became antsy to do anything. Once he got he all clear from the doctor he immediately started tackling his project list. Since his surgery he has had almost no pain and can do things that he hasn't been able to do for the last 5 years.  He hasn't taken any pain meds beyond ibuprofen and his cane sits unused by the door. He is able to workout again although it is not as much as he used to do and the exercises need to be less strenuous on his back. His recovery is remarkable when you consider 6 months ago he couldn't walk without his cane at all times and he is now able to lift his kids up and do projects.
While Rob was at school and then recovering from surgery our marriage began to fall apart. I inadvertently discovered things that Rob was doing that makes me question our vows and what they mean to him. The is no abuse, physical or drug, going on but Rob has made choices that I hate and cannot support or condone. While he was recovering from surgery I felt closer to him than I had in years but I later discovered that he was continuing these questionable actions behind my back and has not stopped even after asking him to. It has been almost 6 months since his surgery and I am trying to help heal myself and decide what to do for my health and the health of my marriage. I want to fight for my marriage, we have been through so much together with the military and our struggles since he has gotten out. Divorce is the last option but it may ultimately come to that if it means that our children are kept safe and happy. I do not want to force them to live in an unhappy or negative household.
 Being married to Rob has never been easy and I don't think I would have it any other way because it has helped me to learn to appreciate him that much more during the good times.
I am hoping to have a few more decades with him and hopefully he does too.
~Anna~

Struggling

Rob's back has been giving him more trouble than it usually does. Finally I talked him into going the ER to get looked at before school started. The ER doctors ordered X-rays to be done and were not happy with what they saw. His lumbar spine looked like it was crumbling. They gave him some pain medication and told us to call his doctor in the morning and get an MRI ordered as soon as possible to get better detail on what was going on. We called the Ogden VA clinic and Dr. Alexander agreed that something bad was going on and immediately put in for a MRI at the SLC VA Hospital in two weeks. Well the time came and we drove down he got his MRI and we were done in twenty minutes. We drove back home with a stop to get the boys a treat for being so good at the hospital. The technician that did his MRI told us it would be 3-5 days before we would hear from our doctor. Well after getting home it was about 4pm when Rob noticed that he had a missed call. Dr. Alexander's office had called, they told us that he had been diagnoised with Severe neural formainal stenosis of the right side and that a consult had been ordered with neuro surgery for as soon as possible. *crickets chirping* Not knowing what Neural formainal stenosis was we did what everyone does, we googled it. Turns out it is where the formainal spaces or where your nerve endings come out of your vertebrae, are degrading and closing off which is pinching his nerves to his legs. This explains why he can't feel anything in certain spots of his legs and feet and why it is so hard for him to get around. We also discovered that this requires surgery as there is no treatment for it. His appointed time to meet with the surgeon came so we loaded up the kids and drove down to Salt Lake again and waiting for almost an hour to finally meet with the surgeon. Once the dr was there he looked at Rob's legs had him walk a few feet and then sat down and told us that there was nothing wrong he just needed to lose weight. There was no restrictions and he could do whatever he wanted to do to lose the weight...... The exact opposite of what Dr. Alexander and his physical therapist told us to do. Needless to say he really ticked us off. If there was nothing wrong in the first place Rob wouldn't have been told he had to see a neuro surgeon. We went down and got a copy of his MRI and notes and went home. We called Dr. Alexander back and told them what happened and asked if there was a way we could get a second opinion as we were not comfortable with the surgeon we just saw. After telling us that the VA doesn't do second opinions and that we would have to pay for one ourselves, we called up alpine orthopedics and found out that it would only be 140.00 dollars for an office visit with the neuro surgeon, luckly we had a little extra money from my student loans, We quickly scheduled an appointment and then went back to school. A few days later we got a 14 page questionnaire from their office asking us to fill it out. It covered everything that would possibly be wrong with his back and then some. On the day of his appointment we went to the office and meet with Dr. Brent Felix. We were seen in just under 20 minutes and he went over everything on the paper and then did a physical exam. He was not happy with what he saw on the MRI and in the exam. He was not happy with our previous Dr either he said that at the very least he should have scheduled us shots until surgery could be preformed. However because of how young Rob is he doesn't want to do surgery at this point because he was afraid that he would have to repeat it in 15 or 20 years from now. If he was to have surgery he would do a fusing of his L4,L5 and S1 vertebrae. Dr. Felix recommend shots as soon as possible and to continue with his physical therapy as it would help as well. Well after about two months we got to go down to the SLC VA Hospital again and get his shots for his back. The doctor that put them in gave him a double dose as his back has gotten even worse since his MRI was done. He told us that if Rob wasn't feeling better in a week to call his doctor up and let them know that is wasn't working and that we needed to schedule his surgery. Well it is now two weeks since we got his shots and all it did was numb it up for about three hours and then nothing. He now has headaches all the time, he has no appetite and he is slightly nauseous all day. He still needs his cane to move around and he can't hold the boys for more than ten minutes without his back seizeing up, I don't think it worked. Hopefully we will hear from Dr. Alexander soon so we can get this finally taken care of so he can actually play with his boys without severe pain.

Our little story

Rob and I have been married for almost 7 years now. We were married for five months before he joined the army and at nine months we moved to Ft. Campbell, KY where we we're stationed for four years. Rob was deployed to Iraq five days after I moved out there and we didn't see each other again until just a few days before our first anniversary. When he got back I could tell he wasn't the same man I married and fell in love with but I wasn't the same person either so we decided to work on our marriage and fall in love with each other all over again. It worked, we had almost a full year together before he deployed again but this time it was to Afghanistan for a full year. When he deployed we were told it would be 18months before he came home. Luckly six months out the army changed their mind and shortened it to 12 months. While over there he had to do things better left unsaid and a good friend of his almost lost his life. Because of this he has been forever changed. When he got back after a year there I barely recognize him, physically he was the same except tanner than before. But mentally and emotionally he was a whole new person. All of the military spouses were briefed and given information on what changes we might see and what to look out for to keep ourselves and our soldiers safe. After a few months I knew something was wrong, he was more irritable and short tempered, he was also having some nightmares and flashbacks, but we were assured that this was normal give what he had gone through and should fade in a few months. During this time we were trying to get pregnant and were told that we had a 2% chance of conceiving naturally. But lo and behold just a month later we found out that we were pregnant with our fist child. When I was five months pregnant we got out of the military and moved back home to be with family. Things were going great and we were excited to welcome the newest member of our family. While I did notice signs that he was struggling to come to terms with what he saw and did while deployed I figured that he would talk when he was ready to and I left him alone. Fast forward about a year later. Some things were going great I had given birth to a healthy baby boy we named Adam, and we found out when he was six months old that we were expecting again. We were ecstatic that we were expanding our family again. But I began to worry about keep our family together. Rob was moody and despondent one moment and then he would be bouncing off the walls the next. He was having nightmares and reliving moments from his deployments. When I asked him to get looked at because it seem he might have PTSD he shrugged it off thinking I was overreacting because of the hormones from the pregnancy. I began to doubt myself too it wasn't like it was all the time and he was a great father and he never hurt us, but I still had that nagging voice in my head to get him evacuated as soon as possible. I finally got him to agree to see a VA counselor that came up from the VA every week to at least talk to him and see what he thought and to at least have someone to talk to about his combat experience since he wasn't confortable talking about with with me not that I blame him. He seemed to to better but he still denied that he had PTSD because in his mind that meant he was weak. It wasn't until he pinned Adam face down on the mattress,to get him to be quiet,in his sleep and had no recollection the next morning that I finally got through to him that something was very wrong and he needed help. Thankfully Adam wasn't hurt and I was able to get Rob off him and move us to another room for the rest of the night. The next morning Rob said he didn't remember doing it but that he had a nightmare, when I told him what he did he got really upset and was terrified to touch me or Adam in fear that he would hurt us. He quickly called his dr and explained what was going on and we got an appt for a psychiatrist to evaluate Rob and recommend treatment whether that was drugs or behavior modification. While we waiting for the appointment to come up, I gave birth to another healthy baby boy. We named him Parker and his older brother loves him a lot. Rob was extremely worried that something would happen and he would hurt one of us but he was down better just talking with the counselor every week and gettin this frustrations off his chest. We were also working together to figure out his triggersn ad help him avoid them as much as he could. When we finally met with his psychiatrist he said that he had no doubt that he had PTSD and that he was going to start him on medication right away. He has been in treatment for almost a full year now and is going a lot better, we still have our good days and our bad days but the good days are better and the bad days aren't as bad anymore. Rob has been doing so much better that he has finally started working on his college degree. He is able to be in large crowds although an hour is his max it is a lot better and his previous five minutes. He also hasn't had as many nightmares or flashbacks. It is exciting to see my "first" husband coming back.

Finding a new normal

Hi, If you have never read anything I have posted in my other blog before allow me to introduce myself to you. My name is Anna and my husband's name is Aaron but he prefers to go by Rob. We have been married for almost seven years now and we have two adorable little boys. Rob is a disable veteran, he has been diagnoised with PTSD, neural formainal stenosis of the spine and severe sleep apnea, alomg with a few other minor things. Because of these conditions he can't work as he doesn't do well in crowds and he can't lift over 10 lbs, and if he has to watch a line he will fall asleep. Once we discovered this he decided to get to work on his degree in social work so that he can counsel other veterans who are going through similar things. The main reason I am keeping this blog is for a cathartic release for me while our family tries to find our new normal as we struggle to help Rob with his disabilities. We are also hoping that other families who may be dealing with the same things find support and a friend who understands what it is like for everyone. I am hoping to post something every week to keep you all updated on our journey for normal. ~Anna~