Over the last two years.we have been having crazy challenges and blessings. Shortly after my last post Rob got worse, whether this is from being surround by thousands of people on campus or a progression of his PTSD is still up for debate. The more Aaron was at school the more short tempered and irritable he became with everyone around him. During this time I started working 2 jobs and he was staying home with the kids. However a few short months later after discovering I was pregnant yet again, I had to quit both jobs or risk our baby's life. After a particular emotional day with Rob becoming more and more belligerent and hostile and the day went on I pack up myself and the kids and left without a word. After 24 hours we came back to see if he had calmed down, lucky for us he had. This seemed to get through to him that he was not getting better as he maintained but in fact he was worse. We repeated went to the VA to speak with his psychiatrist and after a few visits I discovered Rob was holding back on how bad it really was. I sent the doctor a letter telling exactly how bad it was and how on his bad nights I was terrified to be in the same room with him and so were our kids. I was told that I now had to be at every mental health appointment so that his doctor got all the information. He immediate placed him on an additional medication to help balance him out better. I quickly became aware however that unless I gave him his medication he would forget to take it. While this is going on we welcomed our beautiful baby girl K. Rob and K have a special bond, she loves to spend as much time with him as she can get and Rob will do anything and everything to keep her happy. She has a special smile that she reserves for him and him alone.I can see the man I married when he spends time with her, something that is very rare theses days. Our boys A & P are the best brothers even though they are too rough sometimes. I took a semester off from school to recover from childbirth and to spend time with our daughter something that I missed with P. I was soon diagnosed with moderate to severe postpartum depression and was placed on medication to help me. Rob was back at school and everyday he became more and more anxious and irritable, Rob's back got so bad from sitting on hard seats everyday, that he was overdosing on pain medication just to get through the day. Finally he was taking narcotics because the NSAID's were just not even touching the pain. He was stoned constantly but if you saw or spoke with him you would never know. Rob was getting shots in his back to help with the pressure but soon he was maxing out the dosage and the frequency of the shots and they were wearing off within a week or two instead of lasting for a few months. Luckily we were able to meet with a new neurosurgeon and he immediately recommend surgery to release some of the pressure that Rob was feeling in his back so he could have a few more years if not pain free then at least less pain. Once the semester was over Rob decided that he wanted go through with the surgery and take a long break from school. I went back to school and he stayed home with K while the boys went to preschool. The surgery was very rough on Rob he was not used to having to admit he was hurting or that he could not do something without help. He took a huge blow to his pride because he could no longer help with the kids, chores or cooking. He had a horrible 2 weeks after coming home while he was healing up but once he got past the worse part of the pain and soreness he became antsy to do anything. Once he got he all clear from the doctor he immediately started tackling his project list. Since his surgery he has had almost no pain and can do things that he hasn't been able to do for the last 5 years. He hasn't taken any pain meds beyond ibuprofen and his cane sits unused by the door. He is able to workout again although it is not as much as he used to do and the exercises need to be less strenuous on his back. His recovery is remarkable when you consider 6 months ago he couldn't walk without his cane at all times and he is now able to lift his kids up and do projects.
While Rob was at school and then recovering from surgery our marriage began to fall apart. I inadvertently discovered things that Rob was doing that makes me question our vows and what they mean to him. The is no abuse, physical or drug, going on but Rob has made choices that I hate and cannot support or condone. While he was recovering from surgery I felt closer to him than I had in years but I later discovered that he was continuing these questionable actions behind my back and has not stopped even after asking him to. It has been almost 6 months since his surgery and I am trying to help heal myself and decide what to do for my health and the health of my marriage. I want to fight for my marriage, we have been through so much together with the military and our struggles since he has gotten out. Divorce is the last option but it may ultimately come to that if it means that our children are kept safe and happy. I do not want to force them to live in an unhappy or negative household.
Being married to Rob has never been easy and I don't think I would have it any other way because it has helped me to learn to appreciate him that much more during the good times.
I am hoping to have a few more decades with him and hopefully he does too.
~Anna~
